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The growth process can get a bit uncomfortable, right? Especially when patterns and attitudes we've grown accustomed to begin to be challenged. In my case, my "I'll take what I can" position in relationships, and work was put to the test. And when I say take what I can, I mean, even if I'm not 100% comfortable with something, I would settle on it because I didn't want to experience confrontation, and I didn't want to potentially disappoint anyone.
But more than a few things happened this past month that brought me to the realization that this was happening, and in the end, I was the one disappointed and confronting myself about where I went wrong. So, while I was looking out for everyone else and managing their feelings, wants, and needs, I completely dismissed my own.
I believe that God shined a light on this behavior and allowed me to see its impact through new eyes. My perspective on managing my expectations shifted. I had to understand that what I pray to God for and what I ask Him for He is able to do it, and beyond. I also had to realize that what He has for me I have a right to access it. But, the way I was living was limiting my ability to receive because, in reality, my scope of belief was not as wide as it should've been.
Like Moses, when it came time to speak the promises and command of God to the children of Isreal and Pharoah, he didn't think he could do it, and he didn't think anyone would trust or believe him. Even after God shows him the many ways, He'll get them to believe and trust, Moses is still doubtful. He tells God that he's slow in speech (as if God doesn't already know that) and decides to allow his brother Aaron to be his mouthpiece.
Moses' limited expectation of himself, limited his ability to trust that God could fully use him. Though this didn't stop God from using him and blessing Him, what it did do was stop Moses from overcoming his self-doubt. He didn't grow out of this thinking pattern. He believed that it was because of his faltered speech that the people wouldn't listen to him, and maybe that was the case, but I think that the reality was, the people were hopeless, stubborn, and distraught.
So, instead of improving his faltered speech, he relied on Aaron, and I can't help but wonder, what if instead of comforting the problem by finding someone else or a solution to cover up the gaps, what if Moses asked God to improve his speech?
What if every time we felt insecure in an area of our lives, we stopped and asked God to step in and help us grow? What if we didn't put a bandage on our scares but instead confronted them and spoke new life over them?
Sometimes, we don't receive what we don't ask for. And we don't ask for what we don't believe. We have to start believing that every problem we have can be taken care of by God, and His grace (this is new life) can cover every stubborn throne.
When we become aware of an issue that may hinder us from becoming everything we are supposed to, we have to take it to God in prayer and find ways to overcome it. In my case, I had to let my yes be yes, and my no be no. I had to trust that God is directing my steps, and if my spirit doesn't feel good about the direction of something, I have to speak up for myself. If my expectations in the workplace and relationships aren't being met, I have to voice it; otherwise, I will always be disappointed and dissatisfied; and according to what I know God wants for me, those feelings do not align. I can't decide how people will act or respond, but I can choose how I will.
So, what am I saying? As uncomfortable as it may be to face the parts of ourselves that need pruning or watering, its necessary. No one said that the growth process would be easy, but it is the only way we become all we're meant to become.